It takes incredible commitment to just be kind to yourself. To nourish your body with healthy food … nourish your mind with positivity and nourish your lungs or hammies or glutes or whatever with exercise.
Well, I am committed, again, and for some ridiculous reason, I’m running again. I’m out there pounding up and down the road looking like a panda wearing polyester.
It is seriously the stupidest thing ever. I don’t need to be running. I used to run, then I stopped. Then I started. Then I stopped.
And now I’m 50 and I had been happily following my heart even if that meant I would have to buy bigger pants or start wearing suspenders or, well, get a new heart.
And now here I am — suddenly back to running.
I blame the watch I got a month or so ago — the one that keeps telling me it’s time to breathe, it’s time to stand and that I stopped washing my hands too soon and I am a terrible person.
I’m not a nerd. I know that sounds like something a nerd would say. I’m not a nerd but I am generally comfortable with technology and when I saw all the fitness gadgets available on my watch, I figured I’d better start moving to see what they are all about.
Walking turned into walk-jogging turned into slow jogging turned into slightly faster slow jogging and that’s where I’m at.
And there are countless reasons this is stupid.
First of all, running has caused me to spend money. The watch was a gateway. After like, two runs, I decided my shoes are not built for speed, so I had to go out and spend $200 on some better ones.
Then I needed shorts to go with the shoes … and more shirts … and, well, my wardrobe has never been so moisture-wicking.
Also, if you’re going to run, invest in proper underwear. Just do it. I think that’s where Nike got the slogan. Don’t fool around here.
With the amazing running watch helping to lure me off my couch and out the door, I learned about more technology that I said I would never, ever buy but now I could not live without.
I know wireless earbuds have been around for a while. I’ve never gotten a set because having a wire connecting my earphones to my phone is no big deal and because they look goofy and they are crazy expensive.
Well, now that I am a runner, I can’t run with a wire. It’s like running with my shoes tied to each other.
And now that I am geared up with wireless earbuds and a watch that can tell me if I should pop a mint and the latest, greatest phone to tie it all together, I find myself often plodding down the road swearing at all of them.
Like the other day when a phone call disconnected my running app — and what good is it to run if my watch doesn’t record it. Or one day my music just cut out. I will try to fix these connections while maintaining my steady, sweaty pace and that turns into more frustration and more swearing. I owe Siri an apology.
Another horrible thing about running is that study after study shows it can add years to your life. The old saying is that, “if exercise were a pill, it would be the most popular pill in the world.” More popular than Viagra? I don’t know.
Besides, I don’t know if I can afford to live longer. I could be all retired, stretched out in a hammock and suddenly find myself short of cash and back on the job. I don’t want to be 104 and flipping Blizzards upside down because my 16-year-old manager says I have to show the customer how, amazingly, it doesn’t slide out of the cup.
I’m only 50, and I’m already feeling the struggle of aging. I cannot imagine what the ear hair situation will be 50 years from now.
And when I have to enter my date of birth on a website, man, it takes a lot of scrolling to get to 1970 from 2021. I don’t know if I’ll be able to find 1970 from 2071. All that scrolling might be good exercise, though.
CBChuck Brown can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.orgSHARE:Report an errorJournalistic StandardsAbout The Record